So. Yes. I've given up on hope. I've given up on finding love. I'm given up on him. but things can only get better. Every new boy I find. The new one gets better and better. More and more perfect for me. Yes. I'm going to have to be extra patient this time I guess because I'm still so upset. I've had so much. I've experienced so much. I loved my life. Even though I don't now. Everything was amazing. And it will be again. I need to stop thinking I know whats going to happen in the future. No one is for certain. About anything. People just need a little faith. Thats whats going to get us lonely people a man :] I gave everything. And I gave it in the best way I could. I give a lot. I just need to give it to the right person. Maybe I won't know who the right person is right now or even 10 years from now. But I'll find him. Because he'll be the one who will appreciate it. The one who will show me that forever isn't just a word.

Stars.
Bathrooms.
Trampolines.
Mario.
Rescue Rangers.
Paramore.
Hellogoodbye.
Hawthorne Heights.
Best of me.
White halter tops.
Gina the brat.
10-1.
Anthony Green.

Haha. I should stop.
Those things make me think of you.
Don't forget me.

When I was leaving practice today I got that feeling I used to get where'd I'd ask Venke for a ride and she'd take me and that feeling where I was so excited, so happy. Now when I get out of practice its just like greatt I'm going to go home sit on the computer and mope. This is so hard. Why is this so hard?

Ok so I've come to a conclusion. Hah. I'm fucking miserable. I'm messed up. I'm seriously in the most pain I've ever been in in my life. This is how I look at it. I have aproximately 3 years and something days until I get off this god forsaken island. Then! I can be happy again! But until then I'm going to have to keep waiting around. Because honestly. I'd rather wait around than be not as happy as I was with someone else. I mean all those people that have found their soulmates, they're going to get somewhere. Me and the rest of us that haven't well. I think we're basically screwed. I wish I knew what I was doing wrong..

Alot has changed with me. I've realized alot and I've learned seriously so much about guys and I've really come to be okay with a lot of things to. Like I'm okay with getting my heart broken twice by Chet. And I'm okay with us not talking. I'm okay with the fact I probably won't feel like that in a long while. And I'm okay with the fact I'm not over him and I do miss him. Because I had so much fun. And I felt the most incredible feelings when I was dating him. And those feelings don't come around often. I should feel lucky enough to even have exprienced that. I've said this before and I'll say it again. I'm going to go through so many boys. Even though I thought this was the one I'd be with for a long time. I'll find one who will want to stay. And I'm up for anything now. I'm up for getting heartbroken. Or lied to. Cheated on. I'm ready for it. Because I went through so much shit already. If I can take that. I can take anything. I was looking in the mirror today. And Yeah I'll say. I'm happy with what I see. Maybe some boy will too. That will sweep me off my feet like the others did.

Wow. I'm so happy.
I'm incredibly lucky.
Everything is wonderful.
So the past few weeks have been a turn around.
Me and Chet got in our first fight not too long ago and I balled. I didn't know what to do. To know I was going to lose him, scared me shitless.
Everything changed. How I felt after that day. I liked him so much more. I knew I wanted to be with him after that day. And I stopped being so distant and I gave him more trust. I'm so much better than I was before and when I read through my old entries I realize I don't feel that way anymore. Yeah. Memories. We have memories. But I've created so many more new ones. I'm going to get treated right this time.
I got the part in the play I wanted.
Our volleyball team is undefeated.
and I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world.
I'm exstatic. :)
I'm finally okay.

I realized too much today. So much that I finally feel like I'm okay.
I opened up a lot more with him today because I realize I'm starting to trust him and back away from my past. I can't always be scared all the time. I can do it to some extent but I'm done forgiving and I'm done being immature. I don't need to be all pissy with him. I just need to be nice and just be okay with the fact I got screwed over and just move on. If it doesn't kill you.It only makes you stronger. Life didn't stop when he left me. And its not going to stop now. I have too many memories and a lot of things make me think about him. But I lived that part of my life. I have so many years to go. To find someone perfect for me. Who wont treat me the way he did. I guess I'm still in love with the boy he was as to who he is now. So its rather useless to still dwell over him. Especially when he has no interest whatsover coming back into my life. Which I'm also okay with because all we can be is a couple. And I don't need another boy. I've already got one :)

Why do they fuck with us?
Why must they hurt us so bad and not even show that they care even an ounce?
God the stories I've heard today.
How girls just take shit from guys just because they can't get over them.
And I know the feeling. and I couldn't stop either.
Its like you don't want to have feelings for this person because they're such a bad person but you do. And you wish you didn't.
Its so hard. To not care. To not show how upset or mad or bothered I am.
To know that there are people who know what I'm feeling. and that doesn't make me feel any better.
To know I have someone I care so very much about and cares about me and still have feelings for someone else.
I wish it didn't have to be this way.
I wish someone could fix me.
I want to be happy with this one because this one is real. This one is going to work out. If only I could put those other feelings aside.
I want things to be okay again.
To be happy.
To come home with a smile on my face.
One before I go to sleep and one when I dream.

So. School. Fuck school. I don't think I have ever felt so replusive about a vicinity in my life. I feel so inadequate there. There isn't one period in my day where I feel content. I might appear as if I'm overreacting but I really don't enjoy being there. I just wish things were different. So much different.

I wish I understood boys
I wish I was pretty enough for you
I wish I have a good enough personality for you
I wish I didn't think so much
I wish I didn't listen to depressing love songs that make me cry
I wish I was different

Brightside- New pink razor, plan :), free texting. My new phone=life
Probably the only thing that makes me happy :)

Okay so the end of summer hasn't been completely terrible. Mostly it's been a lot of work.

Thursday- Georgia came to my work :) Stayed with me until I got off. Then we ate ketchup potato chips and watched disney. Kacey and Brittany came over for a little while. We watched the VMAs. Took more pictures. Then she went home. I really do love my friends a lot. The people I have been hanging out with lately really do make me incredibly happy. It makes me feel like I'm supposed to be happy and I should be and I am. No matter what I've been through the past month. I'm actually having fun and I underestimated myself thinking I wouldn't. With the strict mother I have and an ex. It's been incredible, the end of my summer.

Friday- Fucking hurricane. I thought my day would be really boring from all the rain. I almost had to sleep at Ocean Deli but we got to the bridge before it closed. Mark came over as soon as I got home. We played out in the rain, drank a whole orange juice carton, watched wedding crasherss until the power went out?, myspaced, and played would you rather for 8403850 minutes. Mark is also one of the people that help me have more fun. He's become one of my best friends lately. Its nice being able to talk to someone and have them over especially when I can trust them.

Saturday- George came to see me with Sarah and Melissa. They're really cool. Just met them today and I like them. I'm not good with fresh confrontation but they didn't make me feel perplexed like a lot of people I first meet do. Well we went golfing and island creamery. I'll give george props on the driving. He did well. It was fun though only two hours. But he also makes me happy. Its good to still be friends with him and get to spend time with him even if he's so distant. Well today is Saturday so I don't know how the rest of the day will be.

One person I've been desiring to view is my best fwiend. I miss her. A best friend is kind of like a boyfriend I've realized. You miss them just as much. And considering spending time with her everyday to not at all is a humonstrous hurdle at the moment.

Friends only. Comment to be added :)

So. I'm better than I was in my recent entry. My ipod wont update my songs so I've been putting them on cds. I hate that. So I just sent it off to Apple to fix it. That supplied 1/3 of mood I'm in today.

Chad apologized and "rectified" our whole "situation". Yeah I'm trying this new big word thing so I can join the whole lj scene :). Anyway. Chad came over and it wasn't awkward or anything, back to how it was. I feel so comfortable and I don't have to impress him or do my hair a certain way or put on makeup. I have a fucking black eye and I have no regard on covering it up. Its an amazing feeling.

Anyway. I went to Salisbury for a dentist appointment I guess I'm not getting a retainer and its braces for me now. After that I did more shopping :]. I got matching bras and underwear. It gave me this enthusiastic feeling, like I couldn't wait to wear them. Its kind of eccentric of me to like having matching bras and underwear and they're really bright, happy colors by the way :] but. Yeah. I get happy at matching bras and underwear. Sue me. I got other items too, but thats not really something I want to read back on in the future when I'm looking at my lj so I'm not going to provide that information.

Something else that came to mind today. Summer is almost over. Its unbelievable. I think its more astonishing for me than any other years because I was away for so long. As much as I loathe when people say Summer is over, its ubndeniable. Its over. I had a liberal summer. I wish I could live it all over again. And even though I had that big hurdle in the beginning. I wouldn't change it. I'm so content on what my life has come out to. I needed that hurdle. I'm not saying goodbye to summer yet. I'm going to live it out until fucking labor day :]

I looked back and I remember, walking home from volleyball. Eight in the morning thinking "Damn I'm fucking happy". The past three days have been I guess. Difficult. I don't know what I did differently or what I said, but things changed. Saturday was a lot of fun. Chad was sleeping almost the whole way there. I like his mom a lot. I'm glad. We got his chin strap and I got my cds. We picked out a few shirts and went to Walmart. Saw an exgirlfriend. I like this exgirlfriend mucho. It was awkward. As I'm reading what I just typed it doesn't seem like a lot and it doesn't seem like I had a lot of enjoyment out of it. But its those little things. The ride back. The inbetween things. His house. I really feel like this is different than anything else and I don't want anyone to screw it up and it already feels like its being toyed with. I thought we finally worked through everything. I didn't do anything wrong I don't know why I'm upset. Its just hard to picture myself without him again. Anyway. Sunday. Me and Madre spent time together which was nice because 1. Madre has money and 2. Madre can be pretty cool sometimes. I hope everything gets back to normal. Hopefully soon but I'm patient enough for it to take a little time. And I'm patient enough to wait for his call, if he even does tonight.

Okay So I was pretty much the happiest girl alive about 2 days ago. Ya know. Kind of crazy how one person changes everything. I mean seriously. Everything. For the first time my heart is completely broken into two. and I mean I hated him yesterday. i had so much hate for him. and I'm glad he called me today and explained things the best he could because I'm actually not so mad anymore. I'm actually pretty understanding right now. and I know I can't do anything about this. I knwo exactly what hes feeling even though I don't feel the same way. It makes me feel a whole lot better knowing how he feels. I just wish I did so many things differently if I knew it was going to turn out like this. I would've been a better girlfriend. but if I did things differently I wouldn't have been myself. I gave him me. Every part of me. I really did. and I trusted him. He was the only person i could trust. he was my bestfriend almost. He was everything and yesterday there I was about to tell him he was the most perfect human being I'd ever known. Nothign was wrong with him. I'm kind of glad I didn't tell him. All i can say is I'm going to miss him. and I'm pretty sure we'll never speak again. and I still haev a load of memories that I can keep treasured in my heart.

<3

So Friday&Saturday&Sunday aka my weekend was very good.

Friday- Hannah came over and we did a wide selection of activities. We had a water balloon fight&took a shower together (in our bathing suits :])&took many pictures&Then Courtney came over and we made cupcakes& made fun of people's myspaces&stayed up until 3 in the morning and called people dumb shits&got a surprise visit at 5:40 in the morninggg
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Saturday- Played in the water with Hannah and tanned&Lunch w/ mi madre&went to the movies with Chad,Tyler,Courtney&Hallie. He makes me feel like I'm the happiest person in the world and I think he's the only person that can give me goosebumps so quickly <3

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Sunday- Went to a Salisbury show with Georgia it was really fun and she accidently pushed the window button to pull up the window when her neck was still outside of the window it was so funny. They had this really good girl band playing too. I bought their cd :]. and I accidently got caught in a mosh pit mannn it hurt like hell. I'm a wuss, and I'm okay with that :]